Why I Hate Shelter Bay

In the gated community* I live in, Shelter Bay, informational notices are regularly posted at the entrance regarding upcoming events, etc. Last week I snatched one out of the little box.

It read (emphasis added by me):

Wednesday, October 31st is Halloween, and with that comes Trick-or-Treaters. According to our Rules and Regulations, Part I, 1.7, "Solicitation of Shelter Bay Dwellers is prohibited except...by invited contact." So, here's how it works.

Trick-or-Treating should be done between the hours of 5:30 to 8:00 PM.

An "invitation" to Trick-or-Treaters is indicated by leaving your front porch light on. If you don't want them to show up at your doorstep, please leave the light off.

It goes on to mention that kids should be carrying flashlights and be accompanied by an adult.

First of all, busting out the regulations regarding solicitors to combat a once-a-year holiday where children dress up in costume and get candy is unbelievably ridiculous. It's embarrassing. Seriously, you old farts, go buy a bag of candy and greet the kids. The whole idea, in case you've forgotten, is that we are somehow safer than those poor souls living outside our borders. What better place for your grandchildren and their friends to trick-or-treat than your goddamned gated community?

Second, and most astonishingly, many of the houses were darkened, shutters drawn, porch lights off. At 7pm.

So what'd we do? Drove our daughters into town, where there are lots of families**, friendly people, nearly every house is lit up, and it's a party atmosphere.

For shame, Judy Grosvenor, for shame.

* Gated only between the hours of 8pm and 2am - so, would be thieves, murderers and rapists, feel free to enter the community at 7:45, enjoy a sunset at Martha's Beach, then get to work while the security guard talks on his cell phone and waves us all in.

** Okay, listen up all you 17-year-old knuckleheads that throw on a sports jersey for a costume and head out to pillage: knock it off. You should be watching scary movies with your friends and applying Clearasil, not running from house to house grabbing handfuls of candy like you're on some sort of scavenger hunt. Stay home. Let the little kids have the candy. Don't MAKE me sound like an old man, 'cause I will.

More News From Under The Desks

I went to a site to install some software for a user and was distracted from my daydreaming by an interesting conversation among the staff.

But first, I'd just like to say that I really didn't know The Church Lady was a real woman. She works at this office.

So, there I am watching a progress bar creep across the screen when I overhear a conversation about "Ziggy Pop".

"My daughter's dressing up for Halloween as Ziggy Pop," says The Church Lady, an older woman who's presumably speaking about her adult daughter. "or maybe it's David Buoy. I can't remember. Which one was the androgynous one?"

"Do you mean "Ziggy" the cartoon character?" offers one of her co-workers, "The short, fat, balding guy?"

"No, I think it's either David Buoy or Ziggy Pop - whichever was the androgynous one."

I chime in: "Ziggy, alone, is a cartoon character. There is a Ziggy Marley, but he's not androgynous, he's Bob Marley's son. And then there's Iggy Pop; he usually performs shirtless, and..."

"Well," says The Church Lady defiantly before I could mention David Bowie, "it certainly isn't Iggy Pop because my DAUGHTER won't be out with her friends TOPLESS!"

Right, I'm thinking, but it's cool that she's dressing up as David Bowie in his, umm, teased-out hair and eyeliner years?

Well, isn't that special?

Public Service Announcement

It is ill-advised to sing and/or whistle "I'm a little teapot short and stout..." while using the men's room.

Maybe "Yankee Doodle Dandy", too.

Thank you.