GRAPHIC: Craigslist Sexual Encounter

Today, Jennifer found a doll on Craigslist that my youngest daughter wants for Christmas. Advertised as being in "new condition", and for a fraction of the price of a store-bought boxed item, we called the seller and made arrangements to purchase it.

The seller lives in Bellingham, a nice little 40 minute drive north, so I offered to go with Jennifer; partly because I wanted to get out of the house, and partly because the notion of her meeting some random Craigslist seller unnerves me a bit.

We finally arrive at a nice house in a new housing development east of town. The development is really just one dead-end street, not a sprawling development (like the one I live in.) A nicely dressed woman (heretofore known as The Seller) met us at the door with her giant Rhodesian Ridgeback and invited us in. We made our way to the kitchen where she brought out the doll. While Jennifer and The Seller discussed the doll, her son appeared and started telling us about himself, his siblings and his dad, who - for some reason - was lurking out of view upstairs. After bellowing facts about us up the stairs (THEY HAVE FOUR KIDS!!!), the boy's dad finally came downstairs and awkwardly stood around.

(Editors note: I don't quite get the whole "Go ahead and meet perfect strangers at the door to sell items from our house by yourself while I nap upstairs. If I hear a struggle, I'll come down." thing.)

Throughout all this, The Giant Dog was paying particular attention to me. Having been called "Friend of Animals" as a YMCA Indian Guide in my youth, I feel a responsibility to try and associate with all animals. So while Jennifer talked about the doll, I petted the dog and commented to him about how big he was (I think this might have been when things started going sideways.) After multiple attempts at groinal nuzzling which I had to bat away, I tried to ignore The Giant Dog and pay more attention the very intriguing conversation about the Chow Chow Doll.

About the time The Seller pulled out one of those Real Life dolls (which, I might add, TOTALLY creeped me out - it was as if she'd removed a newborn baby from her freezer), The Giant Dog wrapped his front leg firmly around my leg and started going for broke. This was a 130 pound dog that was attempting to DO ME - pelvic thrusts and all - in the kitchen with his owners standing right there. Shockingly, not one person noticed that this was happening. So after kicking my legs around and batting at the dogs face, he finally let go but continued with the thrusting. I felt unclean.

I decided at this point to poke Jennifer in the back, calling on my recollection of The International Spousal Alert Signal for "We Gotta Get The F**k Out Of Here!", then I kept in motion, figuring that the dog wouldn't be interested in a moving target.

Wrong.

The dog followed me around the kitchen and entry hall, pelvis bouncing, eyes locked on me. "Uhh, it's time for us to go..." I blurted, and Jennifer starting moving with me toward the door when the woman said, "Ooh, I've got to show you my doll collection!"

So while I danced around in the hallway, avoiding The Giant Dog's advances on me, Jennifer briefly checked out some McDonald's Happy Meal dolls crammed in a glass case.

Eventually, we said our goodbyes and I fled to the car. Jennifer drove while I cried softly to myself.

I'm kinda tired of dogs at this point.